Tuesday, September 2, 2014

I Lost My Voice

Somewhere along the line I lost my voice and will to write. It has been more than two years since I updated this blog and I wonder if it is even worth digging back up? It is not that I forgot to write or that time just flew by without me realizing it, I stopped writing because what I had to say was hard to put out there. When you have something to say but know that it will only hurt the ones reading it, you should just bottle it all up until it no longer matters. Right?

I began to struggle with looking the other way, making excuses for and smiling and nodding in the face of destructive relationships. I had lost the ability to let things roll off my back and began to obsess about where and who I came from. What I realized in this time is that I am just me, not the product of my lineage or upbringing. Sure those things and more factor into the person you become, but you have a choice to be different. I choose to be better and I have the strength to do so. I no longer hold onto the hope of changing those who are unable to be who I need them to be, I have finally learned to let go. Instead of only feeling the loss, I am now able to look around me and see all that I do have. I may not have any parental support but I have an abundance of family and friends who do love and support me, I am so blessed!

So quick recap to catch up anyone reading this: 

G started Preschool
and after two years
of instruction from wonderful
teachers, he graduated this past May.
I am still in school pursuing my teaching Degree.
I Graduated this past May with my Associates.

G is now in Kindergarten and
 L has started Preschool.


     They have both grown up into
     beautiful, smart and fun individuals.
     I look forward to each new milestone!                                                                                            

My husband has always been my best friend,
my supporter and the person I can always count on.
Nothing there has changed. He has expanded his many talents
and become a very talented photographer, capturing beauty in
 his camera lens.I am so proud of his achievements and look forward to his future successes.

     A major life change for all of us has been my diagnoses of Thyroid Cancer this past February.
I have had several unexplained  symptoms over the years and when my neck swelled
 up in March of 2013 I thought we finally had some answers. For almost a year I went through
 blood tests and ultrasounds to no avail until finally having a lymph node biopsied.
Life has been a whirlwind ever since and although nobody wants to hear the words:
"You have Cancer", I think that as a family we have dealt with it well.

Although there is no way to tell exactly how long I have had it, my Dr. thinks at least 5 years based on the extent of disease. I have had two surgeries to remove my Thyroid and many surrounding and distant lymph nodes and a round of Radioactive Iodine Treatment to kill off what is left in my body. My last scan showed a little in my neck and a spot in my chest that is currently being zapped by the radiation. Meaning my life can get back to a relative normal until my next scan in 6 months. If I could get my energy levels up and figure out how to clear my brain of all the fog that comes with Thyroid disease, I could whip this semester's classes without a problem.

I am currently learning balance and acceptance while not compromising myself in the process. So far I feel like I finally know who I am and can be myself and the wife and mother that I have always wanted to be.

All of the events of the last couple of years have not only opened my eyes but taught me many important lessons: Some questions are okay unanswered, stand up for what you believe in, stay proactive about your health because you know your body better than anyone and most of all: embrace Life and all of it's challenges and rewards, strength and support will carry you through.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

It is all worth it!

 Remember me?

Last time we talked, I had just enrolled in College, G wasn't potty trained and
L had just turned 1.

 Life has progressed a lot since then!

   G gave us the best present by deciding to commit to potty training and was wearing his big boy underwear full time by Christmas, a few months before he turned 3 yrs old. My little man has become just that, a little Man! Watching him grow and change this last year has been so much fun. He is making friends and trying new things, his confidence levels are growing everyday. A once very cautious boy is learning that taking risks can be a good thing, especially when they come in the shape of a big red tunnel slide! Just yesterday he realized how much fun a pool was, even the deep end where he could swim around in his floaties. I become more and more proud of him everyday and love watching him be a good big brother to L.

   Speaking of L, she has changed the most since I wrote last. At a little over a year and a half, she is literally running circles around me, repeating everything she hears, and attempting to do everything her big brother does. She has always been fearless, my little daredevil. We are doing our best to encourage her attempts while teaching her to be safe. I have decided that she is my little Imp, although much prettier than the usual definition of the creature. She is definitely mischievous, always getting into something and then grinning about it. Her latest love is her "MeMe" which in our language means Mermaid. She plays, baths and sleeps with her "MeMe".  Although she likes playing with Bubba's cars and trucks, she is all girl. She loves her toes painted pretty pink and her hair done up with a bow. L is growing into a beautiful little girl.

    As for College, I haven't quit yet ;) My first semester back was difficult, on me as well as my family. Between my night class and the online courses I kept busy with homework leaving my husband to do the majority of housework and childcare. The stress was a lot for everyone.  I finished the semester with decent grades, with only needing to retake one class this summer...Any guesses to which one? Yep, Algebra! So I will have it for a month seated instead of online and know that I will do much better this time around. Then onto another full semester of classes. This time instead of taking mostly online classes I will be on campus all day two days a week. I am in the process of finding a job that will work around my school schedule, needing to work only Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. It makes me so nervous not having that planned out yet. At least I am sure that school and my teaching degree are the correct path.

   I  have enjoyed my summer break, hanging out with my babies and remodeling the house. D worked very hard to fix up the upstairs so we could move our bedroom back up there, something that I have been so nervous to do. I wish our house was only one story where we could be on the same level as our children, but they are ready for their own spaces and we need more room, so here goes.

    Life has been crazy lately, throwing a lot of different experiences my way. Being pulled in different directions, staying busy and stressed has had a way of showing me what is important. I will always choose to be a great mom to my children. Every decision I make points to them.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

This and that and now...

Time flies when you are having fun...and unfortunately that has caused me to neglect my blog... Any spare time I have had has been spent spending time with my family. When I actually get a moment of me time, I don't want to spend it thinking or writing ;)

Working at a public school has been fascinating.  I love to watch the children interact with each other. I wonder on a daily basis what my children will act like around their peers, if they will remember their manners around adults and follow the rules.
As a lunch lady, I think I see some of them at their rowdiest, full of energy, hungry and ready for recess. The rainy days are the worst! hehe
I watch some of these kids and wonder what their stories are, whether my smile and hello will be the only one they get that day, if they had to get themselves ready that morning and if the food we prepared is the best meal they get on that day. There are some days that I go home tired from the hard work, but I try to remember that what I am doing is making a difference, I am helping feed our future...haha

Update: I finally took the plunge, I am officially enrolled in college, waiting to register for my classes. I am going to start be getting my Associates of Arts in Teaching  PreK-4th grade, and see where that leads me. I'm nervous and excited about starting school. I am ready for the challenge but scared of the stress it will put on me and my family. Time, it is all about making time for everything and everyone... something I struggle with on a daily basis. So here goes!

My husband D has been busy working a lot, but every moment he has free has been dedicated to his family. We have had so much fun lately, playing with the kids and watching them start to play together. He has been teaching our son how to bat and throw a baseball, in the house might I add ugh! He really is the most amazing father. Watching him with them makes me smile, makes me feel safe knowing that everything would be OK if anything ever happened to me. What a great feeling, that knowledge.

My kiddos are growing up faster and faster everyday. They are a whirlwind of learning and playing and my house is proof of it! I simply can not keep up. LBug recently turned 1yr old, already running, yes I said running, jumping and saying new words. Today she said "ball" and I about cried on the spot, I was so proud. GDawg is almost 3, only five more short months left of the terrible twos ;) He is blowing me away with each new thing he does. Lately he spells out every word he comes across, naming each letter and asking me "What's that spell Mommy?" Today I walked in on him drawing and asked him what he was doing, he informed me that he was drawing letters. Sure enough, I look and there is an upper case "E", an "O" and he showed me how to draw the letter "C". He can count and is right around the corner from reading, now to get him to commit to potty training!
I am immensely proud of my children, something that I hope they always know. I plan on making sure I tell them as much as possible.

That was probably a lot to read, there is so much more to tell, I will try to break it up in more recent posts from now on!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Run Momma Run!

Life is truly going right, I am one Perfectly Blessed Content Busy Momma!

 I am really enjoying my new job, it has done me a world of good just to get out and away from my kiddos for half a day. By the time I pick them up, they have had naps and are ready to play (nice) and mommy has had some adult time.
I have taken up a new hobby also. I had a few girlfriends motivate me to start running, something I never thought I could actually do. I remember trying to run the mile in Jr. High School and getting made fun of for crying because I didn't have the lung capacity to make it to the end. Now I crave running! A friend and I ran a 5k last weekend, my first time ever attempting anything resembling running...and I am definitely hooked!
 I had set a goal and surprised myself by beating the time I had envisioned. I have another chance to beat that time this coming weekend. The weather has finally cooled down, this time for good I believe. Perfect running weather.

"I run because it's so symbolic of life. You have to drive yourself to overcome the obstacles. You might feel that you can't. But then you find your inner strength, and realize you're capable of so much more than you thought."
--Arthur Blank

 As soon as the kids go to bed and D comes in from working in the shop, I am hitting the pavement! I love that I don't have to share this one thing, This one thing that makes me feel so good is all mine, something I can be alone with my thoughts or not even think at all. I don't even get to go to the bathroom by myself! I am a slightly competitive person so beating my own times is what pushes me to be better. Also the thought of helping a good cause gives me a sense of satisfaction, just knowing that I gave my all for it. So wish me luck and if you are wanting to help a good cause, join me in my quest!

 5K Fun Run and Walk
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Cotter Springs, AR
Race Start: 8:00 am
$15 pre-registered or $20 day of race
18 & Under:
$10 pre-registered or $15 day of race
• Make checks payable to COTTER HIGH SCHOOL
• Mail entry form & check to:
COTTER, AR 72626
• Registration on day of race: 7:30 am-7:50 am
• Race starts at 8:00 am
• Awards for all divisions

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

This To Shall Pass, Right?

Since I have gone back to work, I find myself looking forward to it daily. Both of my children are going through a Terrible Phase : Terrible 2's and Terrible Teething. Don't get me wrong, I love my children and cherish every moment but lately the sweet moments have been fewer than the Terrible ones.

I always heard that having them close together would be hard in the beginning but wonderful as they get older, I am ready for the wonderful part. Of course I do not want my children to grow up in a hurry, just ready for them to get along and to be able to take them out in public without the stress. My 2 year old seems to be unable to listen to instruction, unable to potty train and unable to go an hour without a complete breakdown or tantrum. It makes me sad that others do not get to see how amazingly smart and fun he is the rest of the time. I am very proud of him and love him angry or not, but oh am I ready for this to pass!

My daughter is on the short path to one year old (already!) and instigates most of the breakdowns mentioned above. She is learning and exploring so much that she cant stand to be left out of anything, including whatever brother is intently concentrating on at the moment. Currently she is cutting a 5th tooth in which I keep trying to tell myself is the cause of her temper. As cute as it is that she smiles and says "yeah" afterwards, her little temper will be less cute at 2 years of age...

I just keep telling myself that God didn't give me anything I cant handle and of course This to shall Pass...

Monday, August 22, 2011

May the Positive Force Be With You!

It seems like I am always on the path to one self improvement or another. My life could probably be categorized under the "Self Help" section of the Library... hehe

At least I'm trying, right?

My new goal is to be more positive everyday.

You are probably saying to yourself "What? You are one of the most positive people I know!"  Well I am, by default. I try to portray self confidence and positiveness as much as possible but have come to realize that I adapt very well to my surroundings. I pick up on other's energy and make it my own. I have a need to be liked by all and at 26 years old I am finally able to admit that I am a follower. I can try to change, to not care what other's think, to be my own person, but all in all I am who I am. So since I can't control most of all of that, it's time to take charge of what I can. I'm starting with surrounding myself with the positive energy I want to emit from myself. That means eliminating the negative. I want to be happy and spread happiness where ever I go. I owe this not only to myself, but to my family, coworkers and friends. If I expect those around me to be positive and joyful, I need to be the example they need. I truly hope that my children can pick up on this and carry it through their lives.
So, my current goals are as follows: Be and stay more positive, conquer my weight loss goal, train my body to withstand running, strive to be a better person, enjoy life and be thankful for every moment and to continue on my "Self Help Journey."
I Will Be Better. 

Thursday, August 11, 2011

A Very Merry UnBirthday to All!

Today is a special day at our house, we are having an UnBirthday Party this evening!

My 2 1/2 yr old son is quite the character, coming up with new ideas and thoughts and words everyday. Since June 13th, which was his Aunt's birthday,  he has been running up to us saying      
" Happy Birthday Daddy" or "Happy Birthday Nana" (Momma, Ninny, Papa, Lela, oranges etc).
 We have come to the conclusion that this is his way of saying he loves you and is super happy to see you. It really is the sweetest thing to hear when you walk in the door, he warms every one's heart.
So we all decided to give back the good feeling and we are throwing a party to celebrate nothing and everything. I am baking a cake, we are putting up decorations and singing the happy birthday song until he decides he doesn't want to anymore. Yay, Cake!
So if you are feeling in the need for a Birthday, come on over tonight and have some fun with us!