Tuesday, September 2, 2014

I Lost My Voice

Somewhere along the line I lost my voice and will to write. It has been more than two years since I updated this blog and I wonder if it is even worth digging back up? It is not that I forgot to write or that time just flew by without me realizing it, I stopped writing because what I had to say was hard to put out there. When you have something to say but know that it will only hurt the ones reading it, you should just bottle it all up until it no longer matters. Right?

I began to struggle with looking the other way, making excuses for and smiling and nodding in the face of destructive relationships. I had lost the ability to let things roll off my back and began to obsess about where and who I came from. What I realized in this time is that I am just me, not the product of my lineage or upbringing. Sure those things and more factor into the person you become, but you have a choice to be different. I choose to be better and I have the strength to do so. I no longer hold onto the hope of changing those who are unable to be who I need them to be, I have finally learned to let go. Instead of only feeling the loss, I am now able to look around me and see all that I do have. I may not have any parental support but I have an abundance of family and friends who do love and support me, I am so blessed!

So quick recap to catch up anyone reading this: 

G started Preschool
and after two years
of instruction from wonderful
teachers, he graduated this past May.
I am still in school pursuing my teaching Degree.
I Graduated this past May with my Associates.

G is now in Kindergarten and
 L has started Preschool.

                                                                                                                                                                                             










     They have both grown up into
     beautiful, smart and fun individuals.
     I look forward to each new milestone!                                                                                            



My husband has always been my best friend,
my supporter and the person I can always count on.
Nothing there has changed. He has expanded his many talents
and become a very talented photographer, capturing beauty in
 his camera lens.I am so proud of his achievements and look forward to his future successes.





















     A major life change for all of us has been my diagnoses of Thyroid Cancer this past February.
I have had several unexplained  symptoms over the years and when my neck swelled
 up in March of 2013 I thought we finally had some answers. For almost a year I went through
 blood tests and ultrasounds to no avail until finally having a lymph node biopsied.
Life has been a whirlwind ever since and although nobody wants to hear the words:
"You have Cancer", I think that as a family we have dealt with it well.

Although there is no way to tell exactly how long I have had it, my Dr. thinks at least 5 years based on the extent of disease. I have had two surgeries to remove my Thyroid and many surrounding and distant lymph nodes and a round of Radioactive Iodine Treatment to kill off what is left in my body. My last scan showed a little in my neck and a spot in my chest that is currently being zapped by the radiation. Meaning my life can get back to a relative normal until my next scan in 6 months. If I could get my energy levels up and figure out how to clear my brain of all the fog that comes with Thyroid disease, I could whip this semester's classes without a problem.

I am currently learning balance and acceptance while not compromising myself in the process. So far I feel like I finally know who I am and can be myself and the wife and mother that I have always wanted to be.


All of the events of the last couple of years have not only opened my eyes but taught me many important lessons: Some questions are okay unanswered, stand up for what you believe in, stay proactive about your health because you know your body better than anyone and most of all: embrace Life and all of it's challenges and rewards, strength and support will carry you through.







2 comments:

candicw said...

This has made me even more in awe of your strength as a person.. I'm proud to be your sister! You are a beautiful soul and have always been strong for everyone when now it's to be strong for your self! Cancer aside because I still hold positive results soon, but your past and upbringing I can completely understand and relate literally with you! Obviously god made us strong willed but smart and it took time to understand that we did nothing to deserve our path of upbringing! We can only go foward in a positive direction... Always remember you are loved and no matter the distance I'm here always! I love you Ashley!

Donna Carrier said...

If we all move forward postively as you have we would all be better for it.
Always remember you are loved by all of us in Oregon and we are always here for you. Love you..Aunt Donna.